Postpartum Part One

When I think back on the lack of sleep, postpartum moodiness and anxiety from just a few months ago, it’s hard to believe that the person who was going through all that was me. During those months, I had thoughts pop into my head regarding famous people. Thoughts like: if Beyonce doesn’t have to wash baby bottles, why do I? I am not sure why I thought of her but I think she had just given birth to twins around the time I found out I was pregnant with mine, and I seemed to anchor on her. I read that she hired three nannies per baby and they each got paid a hundred grand. Before giving birth, my thoughts were: Filthy rich people are so extra! Raise your own babies, Beyonce! After giving birth, I realized no amount of money could have helped me postpartum. What I needed was six of my mother. I needed six of her so badly I can’t even describe it. I had a part-time nanny who was super reliable and came in handy especially the first six weeks after the twins were born.  Life had become very hard, very fast and I was hanging by a very loose thread, like a human hair. I was exhausted, in and out of the hospital. In the end I can say that by the time I was three months in, I was without a nanny, the twins and my toddler were all under the age of two, and life felt easy. I said it – easy. This isn’t a post about me being supermom. I just happened to go through a difficult eight weeks before things settled down and my experience changed my attitude towards parenthood and my perspective on struggling. The first eight weeks totally broke me and when I finally got some relief, I was grateful. After my four-night stay in the hospital postpartum, several visits back to the hospital and doctor’s office, a case of the stomach flu for my family including my in-laws and my parents, and prolonged postpartum bleeding due to some under-welcome placenta nesting in my uterus which the doctor had to vacuum out, life in May 2018 compared to February 2018, seemed easy. It’s hard dealing with small children and newborns, never mind if everyone in the family is sick. Our experience was just concerning colds and flues – such simple illnesses among the many out there. I am not sure what tired us more, the physical strain of being sick or the constant stress and worry for our sick babies. When my friends and family would support me morally while I complained heavily about my depression and stress, I felt nothing could help me get through except just blurting out my feelings. Three months postpartum, I complained less and I know exactly why it seemed so much easier. It’s because the first eight weeks didn’t kill me and I lived to see these brighter and simpler days where my kids became healthy again, and my husband and I were healthy again.  I prayed to God so many times for patience and strength. I definitely got stronger, but I’m still praying for patience.

I mentioned Beyonce earlier, not because I’m a fan but because I anchored on her. At the time, I didn’t know anyone personally who had twins recently and I would try to imagine what her life was like. That seems silly but I’m just telling it how it was. I know we have many differences, like at least three hundred million of them. I am sure when she wants to go get her nails done, she looks great and cruises in style to the best nail place. Actually the nail beauticians probably go to her house, accompanied by a masseuse. Whereas when I get my nails done, I fall out of my house zombie-style at eight o’clock at night to anywhere willing to take me, leaving my husband alone to brave the baby storm.  There are a lot of twin-moms out there and I don’t know many of them personally. However, knowing they’re all out there makes me feel better – I’m not the first, I’m not the last, and more importantly I’m not alone.